When Your Life Stops but the World Keeps Going

Photo credit: Matthias Cooper

Even though I do my best to keep my Reddit experience to just the things I want/need to see, sometimes things outside of that creep in. Today there was a post about Frank Ocean losing his little brother and as soon as I saw that, my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. Frank Ocean is one of those artists I listen to when I’m in a sea of despair because, like me, he’s an INFJ and so his music really speaks to certain parts of me. Always there when I need it.

As I’m trying to do my TESOL homework, I’m extremely distracted, probably because I feel things way too deeply. It’s more likely, though, because this reminds me of my own loss, and I can’t help but understand and know the kind of pain and devastation he’s experiencing right now. 

It’s as if time stops moving. You’re stuck in this in-between space where life is still moving and life has stopped. There’s an unbearable weight on your chest and in your throat and there aren’t enough tears to cry, but somehow they still keep coming out. You’re in shock. How? How? How? How could this have happened? How?

The pain becomes so unbearable sometimes that the only thing you can do is try to scream it out. So you yell, you scream, you bellow your pain out into the world, to try and make the pain go away. But when you’re done screaming, it’s still there, so you cry some more. The unfairness of it all is extremely cruel. 

Then comes the unbearable truth that the person you love can no longer come up to you and give you a hug, you can never look into their eyes again and tell them you love them, and there appears this hole in your world, where someone very important is missing. Then comes the unbearable truth that they’re never coming back, that tomorrow will be the same as yesterday. 

And then comes the unbearable reality that you are alone in what you’re feeling, and that the whole world isn’t mourning with you, that while they may send multitudes of sympathy and condolences, they can never understand the depths of the heart break and heart ache that you’re experiencing.

My heart is with you Frank Ocean.

∞ Aminah Jamil