Pink + White

I haven’t talked about Noah in so long on any written outlet. The past 6 months or so I’ve been strictly in survival mode, I didn’t feel like I had any capacity to grieve unless I was ready to move back in with my mom because I would have been completely non-functioning.

These past few days everything that I’d been stuffing into the closet have been coming out in the form of waterfalls from my eyes. Songs that break my heart, memories, pictures, other little kids that look like Noah and even those who don’t have been opening the floodgates.

It’s insane to think about how many years I have to do this, live without the love of my life, without my best friend, and how I have to act like this is somehow okay. And then the guilt comes over me, like why can’t I just remember the times that were so good? Why can’t I be grateful for the time that we had together? How am I allowed to smile when I should be crying?

It’ll be 3 years in January and his 6th birthday would have been in a month. Child loss is the shittiest the thing. I’ll never ever wish it on anyone, not even the most despised people in history or of our current time. Frank Ocean’s Pink + White always brings me to tears - "you showed me love" - I don’t think I ever truly understood what love was until Noah came into my life.

It’s been a soulful journey of a kind that requires patience, vulnerability, and a idgaf attitude about sobbing so loud the neighbors can absolutely hear me. It’s been a journey to say ‘no’ to distractions, to ideas of eternal life that would cover up the wound instead of healing it completely, and embrace the suck of absolute lack of control over this situation.

It’s so crazy to admit that my heart is irreparably broken and it will never be the same again, and that that’s okay because I can’t turn back time.